I’m telling you this as someone wading through his 20s right now: Fighting loneliness has been one of the biggest struggles in my life. There have been so many instances where I felt detached, didn’t have anyone to talk to, or was craving human connection.
And make no mistake, I’m not an exception.
Several reports have shown that 16 to 24-year-olds are the loneliest age group. In fact, the world’s largest loneliness study revealed that 41% of them feel lonely ‘often’ or ‘very often.’ In comparison, only 27% of people over 75 reported these feelings. And the second loneliest group? 25 to 34-year-olds. So despite popular belief, loneliness tends to decrease with age. Turns out, feeling lonely in your 20s is extremely normal.
This begs a crucial question: Why?
Why do we feel so lonely and isolated? Why are we so much more at risk? And why does nobody seem to care? Here are five reasons why 20-somethings feel so desperately lonely — and how we might benefit from that.
1. The Silent Pandemic
The numbers I cited above were raised before the outbreak of the Covid-19 pandemic. And not surprisingly, the situation has worsened since then. A Harvard report of February 2021 found that 43% of young adults reported increased loneliness since the pandemic.
But the most shocking finding to me was this:
“About half of lonely young adults in our survey reported that no one in the past few weeks had “taken more than just a few minutes” to ask how they are doing in a way that made them feel like the person “genuinely cared.”
Phew. I was definitely one of these people.
While the “real ”pandemic was endangering older generations, a silent pandemic of loneliness spread and crippled especially young people.
Of course, only future studies can tell how severely the pandemic impacted loneliness. But from my own reflections and talking to friends, I can tell that we’ll experience an aftershock of the (loneliness) pandemic. Here’s why:
- It robbed us of the chance to cultivate weak ties. That is, getting to know many different people on a surface level and building a network as adulthood progresses.
- It gave us the lasting impression (however unintentional) that governments and older generations neglect young people in times of crisis.
- It left a scar of loneliness — a dark chapter in our lives that might carry repercussions of insecurity, shame, and doubt in the future.
But then again, 20-somethings were already the loneliest age group long before the pandemic. So what other factors shove us into the void of isolation?
2. Hyperactive Lifestyles
In the last five years alone, I moved 13 times. In fact, next week I’ll make it 14. This might surprise you — and you probably think I’m crazy.
But it’s not just a question of personality. Two driving forces are coming into play here.
Modern work demands peak mobility
When I started working as a student, one of my supervisors said, “If the company needs you to accept a job in a different location, you have to be flexible enough to make that happen. For the next few years, work should be the highest priority in your life.”
If someone told me that today, I’d burst out laughing. But the 18-year-old me was gullible and hungry to rise the ranks.
In other words, employers expect us to abandon our social life for work — and we’re falling for it. Why? Because we’ve been told to establish stable and profitable careers by the end of our 20s.
The seduction of nomadism
More and more employers are letting us work from anywhere. At the same time, the number of freelancers continues to climb. So does that solve the problem of work-centric, hyperactive lifestyles?
Not really.
In fact, when 20-somethings are given the opportunity for remote work, they’ll do anything but settle down. We’ll hop on a plane and move to a completely unknown city. And sure, that curiosity for adventure is great. But we underestimate the challenge of building meaningful relationships in that new environment.
Is spending your 20s in one city a better alternative? Maybe. But it doesn’t guarantee the end of loneliness.
Because here’s the thing: It’s not just one person moving around, changing jobs and cities. No. It’s an entire generation. It’s an earthquake of relationships. It’s a swarm of 20-somethings buzzing across the globe like hyperactive flies after a sip of sugar.
The bottom line is that the 20s are typically not years of settling down and seeking stability. They are years of insecurity, movement, and discovery. And these just happen to be the driving forces behind loneliness.
3. Virgins of Loneliness
I mentioned this in a previous article — when I moved out from home at the tender age of 18, it was the first time I felt really lonely. Sure, I might have had similar feelings before. But I had always been close to a support network — be it school, friends, or family.
When you experience loneliness — true loneliness — for the first time, it feels like eternal torture. No one told you this was going to happen. No one prepared you for it. No one gave you the tools to survive. And so, it’s tempting to slip into anxiety-charging thought patterns:
- This crippling sensation is never going to pass.
- I’m the only one experiencing these feelings.
- No one can help me with this.
This initial spark of loneliness often leads to an entire identity crisis. Which brings us to the next point.
4. The Identity Crisis
One time, I returned to my hometown after spending three months abroad when it suddenly hit me: I didn’t feel at home anymore. And with that, my world fell apart. It felt like the foundation of my identity crumbled into a thousand tiny shards.
I tried to find some useful scraps among the wreckage. But it was right then and there that I realized I had no idea who I was or wanted to be. And whenever I had dinner conversations with friends and family, it seemed everyone had their life perfectly figured out. That is, everyone but me.
This feeling is incredibly isolating. It turbo-charges loneliness. That’s particularly true when you’re in your hometown — a place that’s supposed to radiate pure stability.
Loneliness in your 20s doesn’t just mean feeling disconnected from other people. Above all, it means feeling disconnected from yourself. And I think that’s why it’s so difficult for us to forge meaningful relationships in the first place — we have no clue who we are and what we want.
We can’t connect to others because we haven’t connected to ourselves yet.
5. The Paradox of Social Media
Lastly, I need to address the elephant in the room: Technology.
It’s no secret that young adults are the most active users of social media. That’s because, in our 20s, we’re highly focused on ourselves and how we’re perceived by others. And so, the quest for social connection is most active during this time.
The result? FOMO. In a 2012 study, nearly three-quarters of young adults reported this fear of missing out. And there’s a strong link between FOMO and loneliness.
It’s easy to see why — on social media, we’re exposed to seeing people’s best days on our average days. We see staged fun and filtered faces. We see smiles, parties, and sunshine. But never loneliness and despair.
One study, fittingly titled “No more FOMO,” concluded:
“It is ironic, but perhaps not surprising, that reducing social media, which promised to help us connect with others, actually helps people feel less lonely and depressed.”
It’s a simple equation:
Too much social media increases FOMO.
Increased FOMO is linked to more loneliness.
But is that the whole truth?
After all, social media can also act as a bridge. It can bring people from underrepresented backgrounds together. It’s the easiest way to join social groups that match your interest. And it’s an excellent source for widening your knowledge about loneliness (wink).
What’s more, people who don’t benefit from social media — that is, consuming instead of connecting — are often equally shy and anxious in real-life settings. Social media mirrors other types of socializing.
This is not an excuse to stare at your smartphone all day. But social media doesn’t seem to be the sole culprit of modern loneliness.
The great paradox is that social media can make us feel both more connected and disconnected. It’s a double-edged sword.
Luckily, there’s more evidence from the BBC loneliness study:
“Looking back, older people said that young adulthood was the time when they felt loneliest, so perhaps it’s not modern life which is making some people feel lonely. Perhaps this was always the loneliest stage of life.”
So what if being in your 20s and feeling lonely are two sides of the same coin? What if we’re doomed to be lonely in this stage of our lives?
The Benefits of Feeling Lonely in Your 20s
I don’t argue we should spend our 20s lonely and desperate and wait for this crippling feeling to pass. No, that’s not what I’m saying. I think we should raise awareness and keep working on solutions — especially because of the pandemic and the rise of technology.
But honestly, feeling lonely in your 20s is kind of inevitable. And I think there’s a silver lining in that. If we truly want to connect, we first have to feel disconnected. Here’s what I mean:
- The pandemic was a wake-up call to realize how vastly loneliness can spread when we distance ourselves. When we stop genuinely checking in with our loved ones. When we replace physical with digital contact. Real-life interaction is crucial.
- Scattering across the globe reminds us we need a place to call home. At the same time, we can learn that work shouldn’t be the centerpiece of our lives — it should be relationships.
- Once we lose our “virginity” of loneliness, it gets a little easier. Every time we get screwed by loneliness offers an opportunity to grow. We can learn that this perplexing sensation is — in fact — part of the human experience. That so many others are going through the same struggle. And that it’s okay to ask for help.
- A crumbling identity provides a fresh foundation. We can rebuild ourselves with truly important people, things, and values. And that, in turn, helps us create long-lasting, meaningful connections. Connections with ourselves and with others.
- Lastly, we can learn to work with technology, not against it. The older I got, the less I used social media for approval and distraction. Instead, I’ve started using it to get my message out there. And to connect with like-minded (or not-so-like-minded) people. We should use our smartphones as tools, not torture devices.
Yes, falling into the deep dark caverns of loneliness will leave some scars — no doubt. But the great thing about scars? They remind us of crucial experiences and invite us to learn lessons from them.
And loneliness might be the greatest teacher of them all.